and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
