You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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