I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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