True but thats because hes a fetus.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
