Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
