I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
im holly from the hills drunk
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
