My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
