i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
