I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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