I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
