wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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