My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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