Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
