The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
