i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
