Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
