i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
