Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
