This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
