sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
