my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
