i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
