Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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