I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
