What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
