haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I cannot find my penis.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
