Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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