They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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