I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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