So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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