i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
