matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
