i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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