New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
