Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
