it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
