Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
