the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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