so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
