Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
