i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
