So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's rum buckets o'clock
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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