hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Alive.
So much puke
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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