She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
