We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
