somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
