I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
