dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
