watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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