I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
