Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
