We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
