I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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