Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
